It is with minimal sadness and almost zero sorrow that I inform you all that Bryan The Intern is leaving KSR to work on Clear Channel’s website. It pains me to be the one to deliver the news -because I was watching football and enjoying my night – but I couldn’t get anyone else to do it. I called everyone with publisher privileges on the site and no one would dedicate five minutes of their night to his insignificance. What a shame.
But here we are, on the eve of Bryan’s final post on the website that made so many around him famous, and it’s only right that we celebrate his accomplishments in pissing people off and making ignorant arguments. For almost three years he has been a part of your mornings. You never really wanted him, I know, but he’s kind of like a drunken hookup, only every weekday. Think about. You wake up at 9:00 AM and he’s just there. You didn’t ask for him but you’re stuck with him for the next hour until the cab comes, or in KSR’s case, the radio show thread pushes him down from the top slot.
He’s the Prime Minister of Suck. He’s the Godfather of Fail. He puts the “WTF” in “WTF are you talking about?” He took a great opportunity and used it to embarrass himself in front of an enormous audience. I’ve never read any of his work. If I could rank my favorite co-workers he isn’t on the list. He’s not even near the notepad. I wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire. I would piss on him if he wasn’t on fire. Then I would set him on fire. He wears Louisville gear. He’s the reason Enes was never freed. He’s the reason Billy Gillispie drank. He’s the reason we all drink. He sucks. You all tell him that everyday. Don’t stop.
But in all seriousness, BTI, it has been a pleasure working with you. We give you a hard time, the readers give you a harder time, and you take all of it in stride. It’s a good quality to have, although it’s almost creepy how you feed off the hate. Just know that we really don’t hate you or think you suck, we just want to know what soccer ever did to you.
After living with Bryan for two years I realized there are three things that matter to him: UK Athletics, fast food, and Yes, Dear. He’s a real sucker for Greg and all his problems on that show.
I remember one day recently I went to lunch with BTI. As we sat down, he observed that the restaurant menu was bigger than last year, but that didn’t mean it was better if you really break it down. As we ordered salads, he informed me that 67.8% of the time in 2011 they apply too much dressing, up from 45.3% in 2009. He ordered a cheeseburger, of which he had ordered 32 in the time of the current manager’s time at the restaurant, but ordered 62 during the seven years the previous manager had been in charge. The 62 cheeseburgers he had eaten from the years between 2001 and 2008 were admirable, but the 32 he had eaten in the last two and a half years were very good. Then, while he was eating the cheeseburger, he suddenly decided he hated cheeseburgers and wouldn’t stop talking about that for the next twenty minutes. Afterward, he lessened his tip by half for the same meal he ate last time he was there. We’ve given him a hard time here over the years, on the eve of his last day as part of the crew here — of which he’ll always be fondly included — this guy will miss him 100% (up 3.2% from 2010). Fare thee well, old pal.
I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about what I was going to write when the inevitable time arrived for me to pay my respects to Bryan the Intern. I’d always assumed that it’d be at a funeral, given his unmatched ability to create enemies and attract polite suggestions to consider suicide, but the little son of a gun somehow managed to walk away in one piece. One foolish little angry piece. I’m not sure why he’s decided to cash out his KSR 401k or where he’s headed tomorrow, but I know that when Monday morning arrives and there’s no box with a little red “x” where the picture should be and a post filled with confusing irrelevant stats calculated to prove an unnecessary and misspelled point, it’s going to be weird. Maybe not worse and certainly not grammatically inferior, but definitely weird. Those morning rants are like my text messages with Fake Gimel and my afternoon dumps in the public access green room. Strange comfort.
So Bryan, as you ride off into that happy place in the sun to be reunited with the late “Picks To Click”, just remember what Jack Conway said: “You either die a hero or live long enough to become the villain.” And then take note that this doesn’t apply to you because you’ve always been an a$$hole that no one likes. But you’re one of the finest a$$hole I’ve ever known.
Gross. That sounded weird.
Man…what a ride it has been. We’ve been through so much. Seen some crazy things. Remember that time I beat you in tennis? Me too. Good times, good times. It was tough to watch a man cry, but you went down fighting. In all seriousness, a little piece of KSR dies with your departure. I was there for the very first BTI post back in the day, after which I distinctly remember thinking, “This guy sucks.” But you’ve proved to be one of the most reliable and thought/hate mail-provoking writers on the site. I’ve even found myself agreeing with you more often than not. Never has one man sifted through so many stats. You’ll be sorely missed every morning when KSR commenters need something to get angry about. We’ll hang your jersey up in the rafters next to Tomlin and the original Intern. Good luck, buddy.
Every time I read a BTI post, I always have the impression that he’s yelling it at me. He’s got opinions about everything and he’s not afraid to let them be known, even if they aren’t always well received. The most often recurring insult I’ve read on my bad posts is the question, “Is this a BTI post in disguise?”. I don’t know what I’m supposed to glean from that other than the fact that your legacy will be carried on in all our future crappy posts. In all seriousness though, you’ve been with the site for as long as I’ve been a follower and will forever be tied to what makes KSR great. You will be missed, BTI.
At first, I thought Bryan was and an a-hole; It turns out he’s brilliant. This whole time he’s given you the impression that he’d make arguments out of thin air just because he mentally unstable, truly bull-headed and/or dumb as a brick. But that was just a ruse to generate pageviews. It’s a trick he learned with all that talk radio work. Why do you think Matt Jones pretends he hates all rap music?
The Bryan the Intern you know isn’t the real Bryan; it takes a Fake to spot a fake, after all. BTI got so good that he actually posted on the site under his real name for a short while. Now that he’s retiring this BTI psuedonym, I think I can finally reveal his real identity.
Thanks for all your hard work and entertaining posts, Kate Martin! I hope you have a great retirement.
In the wake of the scandal at Penn State and the school’s inexcusable failure to break ties with their former graduate assistant and resident ginger, we here at KSR are taking this opportunity to drop ours. I was informed just this morning by a reliable source with over 36,000 Blue Grass Hospitality rewards points and eyebrows so plush they must have been grown in the Nile delta that tomorrow will be BTI’s last formal day writing for KSR as he leaves on his own terms to pursue new ventures. I pen this farewell with a heavy heart as I recall all the great moments we never shared. It seems like just yesterday we weren’t in Canada together watching a final four UK team take on the Windsor Politeness while drinking Molson and Rye in the parking lot of the stadium as Dave Baker did voice over work for a series of Bum Fights. It is times like that I’ll miss most.
The nine a.m. post will never be the same with the departure of BTI. His early morning numbers break down was like an old friend you could count on. An old friend who wasn’t amusing or funny or bright. A friend who cheated on his GED and bragged about it. A friend who you kept around just to even out numbers in a fantasy league or who had a sister that, under the right circumstances, would be doable. A friend, who even if you didn’t invite him, would still be there. That is our BTI.
As BTI closes this door, I can only imagine he is being locked out of another. The next chapter in BTI’s life is sure to be filled with stories of how that chapter compares statistically with other similar chapters of his and rival’s lives. I know it will be a success.
We collectively here at KSR wish BTI well in whatever endeavor he chooses to be mediocre at next. I write about three times a year and decided you were definitely worth a fourth. Should things not pan out, I’m sure Matt will keep a roster spot open for you here, provided that upon your return you can give him five new female Facebook friends, at least ten years his junior, who have a profile picture stemming from spring break 09 or later. As much grief as you got, you always were a delight and you will be missed. I know my dad read you sometimes. Bryan Hash- good luck going forward and thanks for all the hard work you contributed. Now I’ll go put on that damn Green Day song. Good luck buddy.
Bryan the Intern is part of the fabric of Kentucky Sports Radio. BTI sucking is known throughout the land. I have had little kids come up and tap me on the shoulder and say with a grin, “BTI Sucks.” When it comes to suckitude, no one has ever done it harder than Bryan the Intern. I have never known a person with (a) worse opinions and (b) the ability to make the masses mad with more ferocity than the man they call BTI. He is also one of the nicest guys you will ever meet and a great . We will miss him here until the day that I get tired of him not being here and force him to come back. Until then BTI, keep sucking with the best of them.
Let’s get you an abbreviated edition of the News and Views. Remember, tonight’s all about BTI.
– Obviously, the big news of the day was the new addition to the 2012-2013 Kentucky Wildcats. Alex Poythress signed with Kentucky Thursday afternoon in a press conference full of balloons and streamers and covered by the worst live stream in the history of the Internet. Poythress said he knew he was Kentucky bound last Friday, and if that’s true, he is also a five-star talent in keeping secrets. The 6-foot-8 power forward from Clarksville had scouts and experts running in circles looking for leads, chasing after rumors, and making complete guesses all the way up until his afternoon announcement. It wasn’t until right before he announced that we knew he was going to pick up the UK hat. Suspense and mystery have diminished in recruiting with the Twitter revolution, but Alex Poythress had us all sweating bullets the whole way. Sometimes it’s worth the headache if Kentucky gets the recruit in the end. It makes it fun for everyone, even the KSR server.
– With Poythress’s commitment, Kentucky moves up to the No. 2 class. Arizona still holds the top spot with four top recruits: (42) Gabe York, (23) Grant Jarrett, (9) Kaleb Tarczewski, and (3) Brandon Ashley. Kentucky’s class includes (28) Willie Cauley, (16) Alex Poythress, and (13) Archie Goodwin. If Calipari can land Shabazz Muhammad they’ll slide right past Arizona on the rankings. Otherwise it’ll take a couple more commitments, which is a very likely possibility as well.
– One guy Calipari needs to reel in is a player that has been on the roster for over a year now. Stacey Poole is still mulling over a decision and Calipari said he will sit down with Poole over the next day or two to help him decide on his future at Kentucky. There isn’t a lot of playing time for Poole this season, but he could be very valuable next season if he puts in the work to get better. Assuming everyone goes to the NBA after this season, the Cats will be paper thin in the backcourt.
– Look for Doron Lamb to start over Darius Miller next week against Kansas. It’s a homecoming game for Lamb so he’ll get the nod.
– I hope you already have a ticket if you’re planning on going to the North Carolina game. Rupp Arena is officially sold out for December 3rd when the Tar Heels come to town.
– In football news, Morgan Newton is back in Indianapolis to get a second opinion on his injured shoulder and ankle. I’m just speculating but Newton’s return home to Indy is probably for a second opinion on his future at Kentucky. There are hundreds of other places he could’ve gone to get the shoulder and ankle checked out. Going back home leads me to believe he wants to talk to his family.