Hide ya kids, Hide ya wife, TH is Hatin’
Dear Coach Strong,
Welcome to da ville! Congratulations on taking a job less coveted, but with slightly more drug and violence issues, than mayor of Ciudad Juarez. I noticed you referenced those and other items of concern about your players in your recent “5 Core Values” speech. You do know that President Obama has not yet approved a stimulus package for declaring moral bankruptcy? Next time you quote from a sign hanging in the visitor’s room at Shawshank, you should probably cite your source (APA or MLA style will be acceptable). Is there any criminal act you aren’t worried about your players committing? Were all the “stop snitchin” shirts sold out? Was it going to throw off the numbering to attach the ages of consent in KY and other neighboring states? Tom Jurich is understandably upset that Cal keeps taking Rick’s players but from the sounds of your “pillars” speech, the only person you’re recruiting against is Marlow Stanfield. Good luck with that.
I know this job as a head coach was a long time coming, but given your impressive resume as an assistant, I figured I’d better do some digging to flesh out the reasons why. The consensus was that you interview poorly to quite poorly. Still, the last time I saw a pass over like the one you’ve experienced yearly, a youth-size Egyptian grave was running about 4 goats and doorposts were stained like a Porcini‘s placemat. A return of anonymous surveys among ADs with whom you spoke indicated that your interview believability was somewhere between Casey Anthony and Joran Van Der Sloot, with your likeability well below both. Most indicated that your stories of success had more holes than a Chilean mine shaft and that you likely lacked the requisite skills to even Netflix “Interview with a Vampire”. Next time, remember to speak clearly and concisely, always focusing on the question asked. Also, your diction will be better if you keep Jurich from making tea in your mouth while responding.
Chuck, I know you said that nothing will come between you and success here in Louisville. Just remember, Pitino draws more water in this town, and he comes between anything and everything. However, when the hard times hit, you can always count on the basketball coach for sage advice. Former U of L coach Bobby Petrino sought Rick’s guidance in Atlanta when he encountered a rough patch in his first season there as top dog. As is his standard counsel for sports and parenting, Pitino advised terminating the deal a mere 13 weeks into the process. But, Bubbles gets to coach in a real grown up conference now. Maybe, with a bit of luck, you can do the same.
Again, Charles, I’m sorry about the way this has to be but your move from Florida has taken you from Coke to Crystal Pepsi. You’ve gone from banging the Brittany Daniel of yesteryear to the Brittany Murphy of tomorrow. I appreciate that you wanted to head coach so bad you’ve gone dumpster diving in the Big East but this is the best it will ever be for you here. Just remember, no matter what the score on Saturday, we hate you. When you leave for a real program like say, Mississippi St., after back to back .500 seasons, we’ll talk again.
Regards,
TH
How I Spent My Summer: A U of L scrapbook
Since the last Louisville Hate Day, there have been some changes in my life. I’ve gotten married. I’ve had a child. Some might say that I’ve just flat-out gotten soft. I can live with that. So, it should probably come as no surprise that I just didn’t feel right about starting off this day of hostility with something that was just purely hateful. Instead, I thought it would be only fair if we caught up with some of our Cardinal pals to see what they’ve been up to this summer. Ladies and gentleman, I present to you a summer scrapbook from our friends at the school down I-64. Enjoy.
New football coach Charlie Strong, while happy to finally have his chance at being a head coach, spent all summer trying to figure out why the ghost of Ron Zook was following him everywhere.
They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. To be honest, I’m not sure if that applies here. All I know is that after another late night at Porcini’s, Rick Pitino and a young lady locked eyes from across the room, he downed his drink while the rhythm boomed, he took her hand and skipped the names and then he…well, you know.
Needless to say, Steve Kragthorpe was not happy about cleaning up the mess in the morning. But, that’s what he gets for picking up all those extra shifts.
DeMar Dorsey got away.
Tom Jurich, relieved that his basketball coach had handled things in a classy way and that he had a new football coach, finally had time to just relax and play with his toys.
The Moustache Tries to Become Second in Command
Richie made it official today, announcing that he would be seeking the Lt Governor’s job, on a ticket with David Williams for the Republican nomination. While he did make one error in judgment (it is the week of the Louisville game Richie…no red tie ok?), the decision does put him one step closer to one of the two jobs he says he wants, Governor or Athletic Director. With the most dangerous thing following Mitch Barnhart right now being his various attempts to climb mountains, this may be the step to get him one of those two jobs in the quickest manner possible. The video below shows Richie and his moustache making the announcement and in it, he showcases all the excitement one would expect for a chance to be one heartbeat away from running our state. I will never say anything bad about my childhood hero, regardless of what he does (unless he ever pulls an OJ), so I congratulate Richie on his decision and wish him nothing but the best. And if he runs on a “flat tops for all people under the age of 21 ticket”, well I may even consider giving him my vote.
Next up, Junior Braddy for Railroad Commissioner!
SEC Slant: Eastbound, but down?
Turn your back on the SEC for even a day, and look what happens. Mark Ingram hurts his knee and the NCAA denies Ole Miss the services of QB Jeremiah Masoli for 2010. What will tomorrow hold?
His reign is over. For four, going on seven years, Tim Tebow pillaged the SEC, forgave it of its many, many sins, won 2 national titles, a Heisman, and generated more publicity than any college athlete ever. And he’s gone. Thank Tebow. It’s time to resume life as usual here in the SEC East, with everybody chasing Florida, a ball coach with a foot on the golf course, a bulldog with a simmering seat, and three new coaches just hoping for a taste.
Swamps
Well, let’s start with the obvious: outside of Mallet, John Brantley has the most potential of any other QB in the league. Unfortunately, your first SEC run-through can be rocky. But he’s surrounded by the proverbial Florida Speed and in Urban’s Spread, will have plenty of chances to make plays. But it’s the defense yet again that should propel the Gators to the division crown, behind what might be the best secondary in the nation.
Sked: Trip to T-town on 10/2 could be the SEC-CG preview. Potential for another 10+ win season.
UGA
Mark Richt built the framework for a castle in the beginning of the decade, with SEC Championships in 2002 and 2005. At the same time, Florida Zooked their way into mediocrity and Tennessee was riding the Claussen family hard, to respectable, but not great, seasons. The door was open for the Dawgs, and it seemed as if the East would now have to go through Athens. But, it just never worked out. Poor defense has been largely to blame for the recent failures, which is why Todd Grantham was plucked from the Dallas Cowboys to man a new 3-4 defense. The offense has loads of potential, but that’ll hinge on freshman QB Aaron Murray not being Joe Cox. The east is open for UGA to contend, and the future of Mark Richt could depend on it.
Sked: The road trip to Boulder shouldn’t cause any problems, and an early season trip to Columbia and Arkansas at home will dictate the season.
Cayuts
Pappy Van Brooks will be listening on a static-y transistor radio from his bass boat as Joker Phillips looks to keep the Cats out of the cellar. With major question marks lingering under center, Kentucky will ride all-conference playmakers Randall Cobb and Derrick Locke haaarrrd. While not an NFL stocked defense, there’s enough skill on that side of the ball to keep things respectable. Like always, the season will come down to the handful of games UK can win. They stole two on the road last season in Athens and Auburn, and will have the chance to do so again at Ole Miss. Beat Louisville, Vandy, Miss State, and a quarter century of history (UT), and you have the groundwork for what could be an 8 win season.
Sked: feasible. Swapping Bama for Ole Miss is a legit shot at an extra conference win. Plus, big swing games at home, with SC, Auburn and UGA coming to Commonwealth.
Vandy
It’s almost as if Bobby Johnson got up one morning, studied his roster, then the schedule, then the roster, then the schedule, and said “f*ck it.” Now, former O-line coach, and pig farmer, Robbie Caldwell will try to commandeer some Southeastern respect. Two years ago, the Dores boasted a winning season, only to swiftly plummet back to reality last year, finishing 0-8 in league play. Things could easily spiral out of control again with a brutal schedule, but they have some pieces to minimize the blowouts, maybe even steal one here or there. Junior QB Larry Smith is a touch north of awful and RB Warren Norman has the skill to play for anybody, but is coming off knee surgery. LB Chris Marve is one of the best in the league, but that about does it in terms of big time playmakers.
Sked: Slippery. Open with Big10 sister school, N-Western. Non-con also sends them to a tough UConn and they get Wake Forest at home to close. Looks like a 3-4 win ceiling.
Cacks
Another season, another QB soap opera for the ball coach. Stephen Garcia was fairly solid last year, but will begin the season sharing the field with freshman Conor Shaw. The Cocks return a bevy of playmakers on defense, in the trenches and boast arguably the best receiving core in the conference, led my WR Alshon Jeffrey and TE Wesley Saunders. The Cocks have even garnered some national buzz as a potential sleeper. But they’ll find a way to grind out 5 losses. They always do.
Sked: Bumpy. Starts tomorrow night with So. Miss. Aside from a visit to the Swap, conf. slate has some opportunities, with UGA, Bama and Arkansas at home.
Volz
Change can be hard. Especially when you’re breaking in your third different head coach in as many years. Sometimes, you just have to go out there and cause ruckus, transfer, or quit to start that budding rap career. Whatever the reason, Derek Dooley is dealing with a thin deck that has many on the mountain bracing for the worst.
Sked: Oregon’s visit to Knoxville is a chance for the Vols to atone for their failed UCLA series, but likely adds another L on top of a rocky SEC slate.
Predictions
Florida
UGA
SC
UK
UT
Vandy
MVP: Randy Cobb
Best Game: Cocktail Party
Official all-time SEC East Mascot: This exact image
UK vs UL Preview…This Time from a Guy with a Hat
You have heard commentary on the game from people of all outlets around the state. But you havent heard from this guy yet…or his nice warm hat